What is ghosting

Ghosting: What It Means, Why it hurts and how to Survive it

Ghosting hurts. It is the act of cutting off all communication with someone without explanations.

When you decide to stop calling your friend or partner, stop replying to their text or email without warning or notice beforehand, you’ve ghosted them.

Ghosting is a modern dating phenomenon. And it is a form of rejection and emotional cruelty that sabotages the self-esteem or self-worth of the victim.

How can you just come into someone’s life and suddenly disappear in the air without a sign?

When you ghost someone, you are simply telling them “Go!, I am no longer interested in the relationship but don’t know how to express it without hurting your feelings”.

There are different levels of ghosting.

Like, caspering, which is the latest addition to the latest dating phenomenon.

It is a friendly alternative to ghosting.

Instead of ignoring someone, you’re honest about how you feel, and let them down gently before disappearing from their lives.

Other ones include breadcrumbing (leading someone on with no intention of getting serious).

Submarining (Ignoring someone before messaging weeks later as if nothing has happened)

Shaveducking (worrying you’re only attracted to someone because of their beard)

Sidebarring which means rudely checking your phone and messaging friends during a date.

Another one is to be zombied.

It means having someone you care about disappear from your life without warning, only to have them bring a relationship back from the dead with an out-of-the-blue text or interaction on social media.

In the year 2017, I met a friend on Facebook. After getting to know each other, we decided to meet for the first time.

She invited me to a Crusade in her church. I honoured the invitation and we finally met.

After a year and some months of our friendship, I decided to withdraw from her without any explanations.

What I did was to stop calling her, and finally deleted her contact.

After some weeks of not contacting each other, she finally decided to reach out to me to know what happened.

She was so confused at my ambiguous behavior. She finally opened up and asked if she had done anything wrong? But I said ‘NO’.

I have ghosted her right?

The fact is that, I decided to end the friendship unnoticed because, I discovered I was wasting my time with her. I was the only one calling. She rarely calls me.

That is one of the ways I use to examine my friendship.

I will be the one calling you at the beginning of the friendship. But as time goes on, I will stay for some days without calling, to know whether you really value my presence. If you don’t call me after some weeks, I move on with my life.

Everyone believes that ghosting someone is rude and immature. But one thing you should know is that a lot of people ghost because they lack the initiative to end a relationship.

Before you conclude that you’ve been ghosted, try to figure out if it is really ghosting, or that your partner simply needs some space, or that something bad has happened to them.

It is believed that some zodiac signs like Taurus, Virgos, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn wants some space when they are in a relationship.

Even Aquarius, because I am also an Aquarius and I love being given some space.

Why do People Ghost?

Most times, people don’t cold-shoulder others intentionally.

Everyone ghosts for a reason. And below are some of the reasons why people suddenly stopped communicating with you.

  • People ghost when they think they are with the wrong person, especially those who believe in destiny. They assume you are not compatible with them. Therefore, you are not their soul mate.
  • To avoid emotional discomfort. They are simply afraid of being disappointed at the end of the relationship.
  • To avoid challenging or difficult conversations and confrontation.
  • They see it as the best way to end a relationship without hurting the other person’s feelings.
  • Something bad has happened to them. Most people don’t ghost intentionally. It may be that something bad has occurred, or that they are too busy.

Why does ghosting hurt so much?

Ghosting hurts because it is a psychological abuse.

When we fall in love, we make ourselves vulnerable.

So, when someone comes into your life and just walk away, it is a sign of disrepect, lack of empathy and cruelty.

This social rejection brings the same pain pathways in the brain as physical pain.

It hurts because it is a form of rejection.

No one likes to be rejected by their loved ones. And when this happens, you are often left in a state of confusion while trying to figure out what you’ve done wrong.

It pains when you’ve been ghosted because it sabotages one’s self-esteem. You will begin to see yourself as someone who is not good for a relationship.

How to tell if someone is ghosting you?

There is no particular way to figure out if someone is really ghosting you. The reason is that, you don’t know whether it is a ghost, or that something bad has happened to them.

But here are some simple signs to look out for.

1. They open your texts and decide not to respond.

Although there are some reasons why people may not reply to your text.

It may be as a result of bad network connection, they have some issues with their phone, or any other reason.

But if he/she often ignore your texts, it’s a sign they are ghosting you.

2. They often cancel dates or plans.

You’ve made an arrangement to go on a date, you waited for your partner and finally decided to call them, but they didn’t pick your call.

It is either they are busy or they are giving you the silent treatment.

3. They delay in reply your texts.

They deliberately wait for an hour to reply your text.

When they finally decide to reply, they do that using emojis. Showing that they are not interested in chatting with you at that moment.

Why You Always Get Ghosted?

Most people don’t deliberately disappear without a warning. Everyone ghosts for a reason.

Below are some likely reasons why friends often ghost you.

1. You don’t contribute to the relationship:

Most people don’t like being in a romantic relationship where they are the only ones contributing to the success of the relationship.

For instance, they are always the ones calling you. You don’t even bother to call them even for a day.

Majority of women fall victim of this. They assume that it is the duty of the man to be calling. But it is not true.

If he’s the only one calling you, it is a sign that shows your relationship is imbalance.

That is the major reason why I withdraw from most of my friends without their consent.

If I am always the only one calling you, at a time I will stop.

What I am trying to do is to know whether you value me or not.

I will decide to wait for some days or even up to a week to know whether you will call me.

If you don’t, I will quietly withdraw from you.

It is believed that, people who get ghosted are people who recieves in a relationship.

They don’t have anything to offer in the relationship.

People will quietly walk away from you, if they don’t see the reason why they should continue dating you, since you don’t have anything to offer.

Both males and females fall victim of this form of ostracism.

For instance, some girls thought that sex is all they can offer in a relationship. Apart from that, they have nothing else to give.

A guy may decide to withdraw from you if he feels like you are only good for sex.

Don’t be a sex doll in a relationship. Always try to contribute to the success of the relationship.

2. You don’t treat them very well.

Your bad attitude may be what is chasing everyone away from you.

How do you treat a new partner you started dating?

Do you often take everything very serious at the initial stage of the relationship?

If you do, they are likely to disappear without your notice.

Some don’t like engaging in difficult talks, especially the shy ones.

Their simple nature makes them avoid any person they feel is too argumentative or bad for their personality.

They simply don’t want to bring discomfort to themselves.

So, your negative attitude towards your friends, may be another reason why they ghost you.

How Do You Respond to Ghosting?

1. Be calm.

Most people make the mistake of pleading for an explanation from a partner who ghosted them. Or even go to the extent of sending angry messages to them.

You shouldn’t do that. Show them that you are not as weak as they thought.

Let them realize that you can stay without them. Don’t allow their disapparance to affect your self-worth.

2. Call them if you are still interested in the relationship.

He/she may not be ghosting you intentionally.

It may be that they are too busy, something bad has happened to them, or that they just need some space.

I gave an instance about how I disappeared from a friend I met on Facebook.

She was able to figure out the problem when she called me. If she didn’t take such an action, she wouldn’t have known why I ghosted her.

As others may tell you not to call them again, I advice you to call them only if you are still interested in knowing what actually happened. Why they decided to withdraw without a sign.

You can equally ghostbust them.

Ghostbusting means, forcing your ghost to reply.

Even if they are no longer interested in the relationship, at least, it will help you to realize your mistakes and work on them to avoid being ghosted again by another person for the same reason.

3. Move on and don’t look back.

After discovering their reasons for ghosting you, it is advisable to move on if their explanations are not justifiable to you.

Although it may not be so easy for you to move on, especially if you love them. You will keep thinking about them. But just know that you owe them no apologies.

Their action has proved to you that they lack empathy.

So, the best way to survive the ghosting game is to move on with your life.

Find a new partner or socialize with friends. It will help you to get ride of those negative feelings quickly.

If your ghost finally decides to come back, don’t be afraid to tell them how you feel.

If there is need for confrontation, confront them. But if you must reconcile with them, don’t forget to set clear boundaries for yourself. It will make them to realize how bad they have hurt you in the past.

Why You Shouldn’t Ghost Someone?

It is immature and a sign of emotional cruelty.

Ghosting someone is simply a sign of immaturity. It shows you are not mature enough to express how you feel when someone offends you.

As a sign of emotional cruelty, it causes pain, depression, anxiety and puts the ghostee in an ambigious state.

This trauma can affect the victim’s self-esteem.

Kindly put yourself in their shoes for once, and I am sure you wouldn’t like to be thrown away without a second thought.

How to stop ghosting someone?

Below are some tips to help you break up with your ghosting behaviour.

1. Practice empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

It is assumed that people who ghost lacks empathy.

So, the first way to overcome ghosting behaviour is to learn to understand and share the feelings of others.

It hurt so much when a friend or a partner suddenly abandon you without saying a word.

Imagine you are the victim. How will you feel? I guess you will feel so bad.

Therefore, whatever you wouldn’t like others to do to you, don’t do it to them. That’s the golden rule.

2. Be open

A lot of people ghost simply because they are shy to express how they feel.

If your partner or friend has some annoying behaviors you dislike, be upfront to tell them.

Disappearing without a warning is not the best way to resolve the issues. Be bold and honest to point out their faults to them before you decide to varnish.

How many days is ghosting?

That someone stayed for two or three days without contacting you does not mean you’ve been ghosted.

Some people may decide to give you a space of two days, three days or even one week just to miss you.

To me, if someone stays from two weeks up without texting you or calling you, you’ve been ghosted.

How do you confirm it?

Call them to know whether they will pick or that something bad has happened to them.

If they fail to return your call or reply to your text after seeing your message, then, they have ghosted you.

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